Entertainment News O’ The Day – Friday, June 17

No, you have not travelled back in time and it is not 12/29/04. Man, I wish.

Welcome back to the news o’ the day where you strike back against the empire that is the webisphere. No, I don’t really know what that means either. On to the news!

Starz Picks Up Sam Raimi & Rob Tapert’s Female Assassin Drama “Noir” To Series (Deadline) – Well, this could be interesting. Nothing hotter than female assassins unless you count the dream I had about Jennifer Lawrence and Keira Knightley tapioca pudding wrestling with me guest refereeing. Don’t feel bad, I count it too. Honestly though, Sam Raimi is always entertaining and female assassins are pretty damn cool. Then again, it’s on Starz, the network that brought you . . . um, I’m drawing a blank here. Well, they probably brought us something, but it just wasn’t good enough to know about it because nobody gets Starz. Well, maybe this will get that wheel a’spinnin.

Film: Newswire: This First Image of Tom Cruise in Rock of Ages is a Photoshop Contest Waiting to Happen (A.V. Club) – Honestly, I don’t know what to think about this. Just when you don’t think Tom Cruise can go and get any more ridiculous, he goes and shits on a gorilla. I should probably say that is something that has not actually happened, but let’s be honest; everything is on the table right now with Cruise. Do you think he thinks he is a real person? I almost get the impression that he knows he does not fit in, but thinks he is doing a rock solid job of pretending. Tom, honestly buddy, you’re not fooling anyone. We know you’re an alien. Thank you for Top Gun and Cocktail and let’s move it along.

“30 Minutes or Less” Red-Band Trailer #2 (/Film) – I posted something about this a month or so ago, but this film looks legitimately funny unlike a movie that rhymes with The Hangover Part II. Plus, you gotta respect the line “you just brought a gun to a bomb fight.” Sean Connery would be so proud. There are a couple of guys in this movie that do not get the proper amount of love and those guys are Aziz Ansari and Nick Swardson. Swardson was so horribly misused in Adam Sandler’s latest piece of crap Just Go With It that it made me extremely sad. Honestly, not even Brooklyn Decker and Jennifer Aniston in bikinis could rescue that monstrosity. It did almost work though. Swardson is usually hilarious though and he is a great addition here. Let’s hope that Ruben Fleischer continues the potential he displayed with Zombieland and let’s all his actors just go to work. Looking forward to it, but now I have to go rent Just Go With It again. Dammit.

Early Buzz: Captain America is Great (Badass Digest) – I’m so looking forward to this and have been avoiding spoilers like that girl I found attractive after 15 High Life’s. Glad to hear that this is getting good word of mouth so far though. Plus, awesome Red Skull picture. Is it me or did Hugo Weaving kind of disappear? He was one of the best parts of the Matrix before it went south in Matrix 2: We Honestly Had No Plan For  Sequel and Now We’re Just Winging It With a Huge Budget and an 8-ball. Plus, he was amazing with Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta. Overall, a pretty good flick. I think the use of him as Red Skull in this movie was an amazing choice. Really looking forward to Weaving, Evans, et al. Ameeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerica Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck Yeeeeeeeeeah.
Film: Newswire: Charlie Day May be Joining Guillermo Del Toro’s Pacific Rim (A.V. Club) – More Charlie Day is never a bad thing. Horrible Bosses looks just ok, but that certainly isn’t because of Day. He’s consistently the best part of It’s Always Sunny and he was the only good part of last year’s Going the Distance (despite an enjoyable trailer and decent cast). He was very watchable in that movie though and he always ups the ante for anything that he does. I’m not a huge Del Toro fan (more of a Del Taco fan), but if Day’s in it I will certainly give it a gander.

TV: Newswire: Darren Aronofsky Will Direct Michael Chabon’s Nazi-fighting Magician’s pilot for HBO (A.V. Club) – Well, I love Michael Chabon first of all. The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Klay is one of the best books I’ve ever read and that you’ve probably never read. Shame on you. Chabon plus Aronofsky in a period piece detailing magicians fighting the Nazi’s sounds quasi-amazing. Plus, it will give people something positive to remember when Noah eventually comes out and sullies his reputation. Please Lord, let Noah be made. Honestly though, this sounds somewhat linked to Kavalier and Klay or their comic book sensation The Escapist. Can’t wait. Why does HBO do such amazing things? Must be awesome to work there, like the Onion and completely unlike Tom Cruise’s crazy cage. It’s a real place.

Review: The Old Jack Black is Back in Richard Linklater’s Mixed Bernie (Hitfix) – I’ll believe it when I don’t see it. Do you see what I just did there? You thought I was going to say “when I see it”, but I turned it around and made it both an insult and a joke. Pretty tight right? On another hand, what the hell happened to Jack Black? He used to be one of the funniest motherfuckers on the planet. I drove all the way to Vermont once just to see Tenacious D play and now he’s doing crap like this. Boooooooo sir.

Photos: 4D Movie Theaters Opening; Smell-O-Vision Being Developed (/Film) – Are you shitting me? Seriously? Who the hell is going to pay extra money to go see a movie they can smell? This is ridiculous. I would talk some more about this, but this seems like a perfect discussion topic for next week’s Bobcast. Stay tuned faithful readers! Actually, if you just stumbled onto this because you typed in “Jennifer Lawrence and Keira Knightley tapioca pudding wrestling” then 1) that’s a little weird and 2) please stay and check out the blog, tell your weirdo friends. You know, stir the pot.

This is Honestly What Tom Cruise Looks Like in Rock of Ages (Badass Digest) – Just so you don’t think I’m fucking with you, here is Tom Cruise one more time doing his best impersonation of a real person. Good luck with that Tommy boy.

Jean Claude Van Damme’s Pants are Frozen, Tight in New Coors Light Commercial (Badass Digest) – You’re welcome.