Here Are Your New Fall Network Shows aka the Stuff That is Replacing Last Year’s Crap

So I know there has been a lot of TV news lately, but it’s hard to ignore the fact that the major networks have announced which of their shows from pilot season have been picked up for the fall or mid-season of next year.  It’s an exciting time when actors and actresses can begin eating actual meals rather than cans of tuna and stop lying to their parents about how successful they are.  It’s also a confusing time as Damon Wayans Jr. (please tell me there is an In Living Color Jr. show on the way (also, do we know if there’s a Jim Carrey Jr.?)) was cast on a mid-season show called Happy Endings (I know, I know) that so few people expected to be picked up (it was) that they went ahead and cast him in TWO more pilots, both of which were also picked up.  In all fairness, I have watched him on Happy Endings (I know, it just doesn’t stop being funny) and though the show is not great, he is by far the best part of the show along with his TV wife Eliza Coupe.  Without further ado, here are your fall network additions . . .

Even though it's after Labor Day, we'll allow it.

CBS – Your grandfather’s favorite network (don’t tell him Walter Kronkite is dead, it would just break his heart) has been improving its game the last few years.  Even though it still relies heavily on shows geared towards the older demographics (NCIS, CSI, and WTF), it looks like they are attempting to change or at least add onto that facet.  The highlight is obviously J.J. Abrams and Jonathan Nolan’s Person of Interest, something we already discussed here.  Other than that, the only thing seemingly worth possibly looking forward to is the Kat Dennings highlighted Two Broke Girls.

Check out all the fall CBS trailers on EW.com

ABC – Well, even though I’m still upset with ABC for botching the last season of Lost, I am willing to give a couple of these shows a chance.  The best of the lot looks to be The River from the creators of Paranormal Activity (aka the movie so nice, they made it twice).  I really want to like Charlie’s Angels because they are so damn good looking, but let’s be honest here; it doesn’t look great.  We shall see.  The other one that I might give a chance is the Tim Allen comedy Last Man Standing.  Now, it looks like a pretty typical family sitcom, but Tim Allen is always funny and he deserves another shot.  Don’t you remember how great Galaxy Quest was?  C’mon, that movie was pretty great.  Also of note here is the new drama Pan Am.  Despite the fact that it has Christina Ricci in it, it appears to be the first of a series of Mad Men’esque period rip-offs.  Over/under on how long that lasts? Four shows.  Then again, what do I know?  Rules of Engagement is still on the air after all.

Check out all the fall ABC trailers on EW.com

Fox – Remember when Fox was just the Simpsons and Married With Children and a LOT of crap?  Yeah, me too.  I kind of miss Herman’s Head actually.  Why isn’t that available somewhere?  Well Fox has surely matured and this year looks to have a couple of solid additions.  Alcatraz looks pretty sweet and not just because Sam Neil makes everything at least 73% more badass.  I have a serious weakness for Zooey Deschanel too and her new show The New Girl looks to have potential.  Yes, the trailer is not great, but the foundation is there with co-stars Jake Johnson (who you may remember me endorsing here) and Damon Wayans Jr.  It remains to be seen if they will have to recast Damon Wayans Jr.’s role thanks to Happy Endings (yup, still funny) being picked up, but there is some decent potential nonetheless.  Napoleon Dynamite the cartoon?  Meh.  I think Fox’s funniest show of the season will undoubtedly be their new show The Finder.  What, that’s not a comedy?  How is that possible when they named it something so ridiculous?  Coming up mid-season, The Looker, The Distributor, and The Guy.

Check out all the Fox trailers on EW.com

Oh, The Playboy Club. Now I'm on board.

NBC – Hey, remember when NBC used to be the king of network television?  So does Jerry Seinfeld.  Hey, speaking of Jerry, you should bookmark his new website. It is a FREE collection of all of his stand-up routines and they release three new bits per day.  Pretty ingenious and pretty awesome if you ask me.  Now back to the post!  This fall’s NBC slate looks decent.  The new show (ok, it’s another rip-off of a hit foreign show) Prime Suspect at least has Maria Bello and Aidan Quinn.  Each week they will ask tough questions like, why the hell is Maria Bello wearing that stupid scarf?  The other possibly positive addition to the rotation is the Playboy Club which has two things going for it; Amber Heard (seriously, look at her) and the fact that it takes place in THE PLAYBOY CLUB in the 60’s.  Sure, it’s a Mad Men rip-off and I literally just made fun of Mad Men ripoffs only two paragraphs ago, but can’t a guy change his mind?  Honestly, the show doesn’t look great, but Amber Heard does and it is at least a more interesting concept than Flight Attendants: The Show.  Also, Whitney Cummings is very funny and I really want to like her show (she’s also producing Two Broke Girls by the way).  Is it just me though or did they basically show the entire pilot during what was supposed to be the trailer?  Well, the nurse costume still makes it worth it for me.  Also coming on NBC, some other crap.

Check out all the NBC trailers on EW.com

So there you have it.  Your new fall slate.  Let’s recap.  Things that show promise: Person of Interest, The River, Alcatraz, The New Girl, The Playboy Club (it’s on the line), and Damon Wayans Jr.  Things that are surefire hits: The Finder.  Yeah, I enjoyed that joke too.  So let’s talk it up below and see what everybody else is looking forward to.  Bob out.

Shadow of the Dark Tower

Yes, this is the best one in the series. No, I don't only post pictures of half-naked women. Just mostly.

I don’t know how many of you have read Stephen King’s Dark Tower series, but it is one of the more amazing collections in literature.  King is a master craftsman (yes, not everything he churns out is gold) and The Dark Tower is his master work.  I haven’t gotten into the graphic novels as of yet, but I’ve heard they are fantastic as well.  I doubted that anyone could ever properly make the Dark Tower into the masterpiece that it should be and was skeptical when I heard that Ron Howard was moving ahead with the project.  The series is so long and it is all so critical to the story that you could never leave anything out.  Could they make seven movies like they did successfully with Harry Potter?  Sure, they could conceivably, but the Dark Tower does not have the type of following that HP does (sadly) and in order to make this the right way the movies would all probably be 3 hours and extremely budget heavy.  My thought was always that in order to be made right, it had to be a mini-series.  As weird as it is to say, the major TV networks have always done a pretty decent job of their King mini-series and their version of The Stand remains one of my favorite things ever put on celluloid.  The more and more I thought about it though, the thought that kept coming back to me was that it would make the perfect HBO series.  There is plenty of material in the series and graphic novels (if you wanted to go there) to fill years of episodes and if you’re being honest, only the pay channels can do it properly.  ABC is fine, but you cannot make The Dark Tower and cut out the violence or any of the other “not fit for TV” parts that make it what it is.

It seems now that Howard’s whole project is teetering on the edge of being called off altogether.  It’s too bad as it seemed like they actually had a decent idea.  The books were going to span two full movies from Universal and two mini-series from NBC, all starring Javier Bardem who might just be one of the most perfect characters to play Roland unless Christopher Lloyd is able to travel back 30 years and bring us a 40 year old Clint Eastwood.  “Marty!  He shot me Marty and then lit his cigar from my boot.  He left me there to die Marty and stole the Delorian!!!!!!  What will happen to your kids?”  Aaaaaaaaaaaand we’re back.  In any event, there are conflicting reports all over the web about the project’s status, but AICN is usually pretty accurate when it comes to this kind of stuff.  We’ll just have to stay tuned and see.  Personally, I am still rooting for an HBO series.  I would rather they never make it at all than make it half-assed.  Bob out.

AICN and The Dark Tower